Bitter Sweet

It has been more than a year. But here I am writing another post about my beloved brother. I decided to visit him for the Christmas party they usually have every year at Juan’s place. I am glad I decided to go. I saw him laughing and joking with several of the staff members who work there. He was dressed with a nice shirt and tie.

But there was an incident that happened where everything went south. A former nurse that used to work with Juan came and greeted him. He was super excited to see her, since he was known to have a crush on her. But his excitement quickly turned into a scary moment as he began to cough and choke. Several times I had to prompt him to take a breath and relax so that he would not vomit all the food I just fed him with. This is a common occurrence for my brother to experience whenever he gets excited while eating. Excitement and food should not go together in Juan’s case.

He later relaxed and remained calm. Other people came to greet and talk to Juan for the remaining of the party. But he looked sad at the end. He wanted to just go to his room and watch TV. Several nurses consoled him and prompted him to express what he was sad about. I suspected and was later confirmed that he was sad about the former nurse who came to say Hi to him.

But my heart sank as I remembered all the times my brother felt sad, angry, and bitter for not having the freedom to physically do anything he wants. As I wrote in my previous post, Juan has lived in the prison of his own handicapped body. I remember the look in his eyes as he stared into space probably thinking of all the experiences he missed in life for being born with cerebral palsy.

Nobody understands. Nobody really knows what it’s like having a close family member , like your brother or your son, being trapped in his own body. Seeing him in that condition consumes me. And I feel guilty.

But what can I do ? I am not God. I don’t know the reason he was born this way, if there is a reason. Why would this innocent soul deserve such a way of life? And he is not the only one; the party was full of individuals similar to Juan or with worse conditions. I ask myself, are these souls paying a penitence?

I can go on and on trying to figure out the reason for such a sad and frustrating situation. But I can’t do this for too long. It would depress me even further. So I try to be grateful because Juan is such a sweet soul and always puts a smile on my face, even if it is accompanied by a tear.

• Posted in: Family
• Tagged: brother, cerebral palsy, compassion, disability, disabled, family, handicap, happiness, health, inspiration, inspirational, Life, love, medical, simplicity, spirituality, wheelchair